religion and I: changing beliefs?

Unabashed me- blogging again! :D

I have a problem.I'm confused about my religious status.I mean..I'm definitely not an atheist(even though I might've claimed it at some point of my life).But then if I care enough to harangue god for not gratifying my zillion desires for hours together,concluding-"You do not exist.I'm an atheist from today onwards",it is a kind of a cogito ergo sum situation from god's point of view. No,I'm definitely not an absolute atheist...but then what am I?

The fact that I've been raised by a theist mother and an atheist father puts me in a very difficult situation.My non-believer workaholic father stands by the work is worship adage.My mother on the other hand is a god-fearing lady.But both of them,being brought up in strictly religious bengali households were ingrained with the creed that prevails in the eastern limb of India (although I know my father treats mythology,idolatry etc nothing more than cock-and-bull stories!).Hence I too was taught to worship Maa Durga by them-mainly by mamma,than baba. And I more than happily gave into whatever I was preached.

But then a phenomenal thing happened-I entered my teens.We studied in our social studies classes about the requirement of religion,various creeds,hollowness of most of the religions,coldbloodedness inflicted in the name of religion, the renaissance etc.I have been very fascinated by Christianity,Judaism,Islam,Buddhism-but just as subjects of interest not spiritually,for I was fiercely secular.With all my rational thinking,myriad questionings,their unconvincing and curt answers I detested to be called religious.I wanted to be known as an atheist.I guess it was a rather bohemian phase of life,I think it has happened to all.As a teenager you have a lot to ask and when you don't get satiable answers you rubbish it and turn rebellious.Subsequently I started worshipping Nature (I still do),and this belief was all the more strenghtened after reading da Vinci Code.

But now,with passing years I'm becoming more and more like my mother in religious practices.Of course I'm not as devout as her.Most of the times I do things she tells me to do just to keep her heart.But then there are also things that I do just like that..with or without a concrete motive.Like I'm not much into fasting stuff,but because I'd seen my mother observing fasts during navratri as I child,I wanted to emulate her.And now,she cannot keep much of those fasts due to her high blood pressure problem,but I've continued keeping them all along. On every durga-puja,she tries to discourage me to keep that no-food-no-water fast on the eighth day till pushpaanjali,but it has become kinda customary...besides it's nothing much. But that's not the point.The point is, along the years I've picked up a habit of blindly following practices whose significance I don't even understand.

I was never a person who frequented temples. But now more often than not I find myself standing inside a shrine. And I'm actually liking it! I visit Iscon temple and Maanav mandir the most.Iscon because it is at a stone throw distance from home,and also it is a very very sublime place.Maanav mandir because..well again something that has subconsciously seeped into me from my mother,and also because I love it's lotus shaped architecture :).It is not at a stone throw distance,but I go there on every fridays anyway. Most of the times I go to ask for something,sometimes to thank,at times to fulfill a promise.

I don't know if this changing of beliefs is one of those transitional phases,self-imposed religious fad,summons of womanhood,experimentation with hinduism....or is it because I really really really want something to happen but I know it can't happen without supernatural interference... I don't know.I reckon I'll just do what I do the best-react impulsively to whatever changes that come in the way of life.

Woah! heavy stuff today! Time to go back to Mr Kennedy and Mr Davis :P

PS : Chinky is finally taking us for her pending treats,this evening :) Some sizzler speciality food joint with a rather silly name..ibico,iboco,icoco..blah something like that. :D