life aaj kal

My ears continue to pain even as I type this. I have little idea of how many decibels were actually pounding against my ears last night.

Had gone to Chaos :)

Chaos is the name of the annual cultural festival of IIM-A, the most coveted B-School of India. By just stepping inside the institute one can actually feel the brainwaves pervading the air. The people in there must be oh-so-smart. Indeed, that's why my attention kept drifting to the dozen insti students standing lazily at the upper hallways of the buildings surrounding the famed Louis Kahn Plaza, than the huge crowd that was thronging the LKP.

I just love the Joie de Vivre of concerts. It unites people. People who don't even know each other. And the best part is that you don't have to know the other people for bonding with them. You need not know their identities. Not before, not after, not even during celebrating music. When hundreds of people are cheering and clapping for the same music, swaying to rhythm of the same music and when the same source is making all of them euphoric, then at that moment a magical string ties them together in a way that is next to impossible in the real life domain(now see, how similar it sounds to real time domain..but never mind that now.) But it's beautiful, isn't it? We're all strangers, there comes a moment when suddenly we're not, and when the moment's over we again go on to be strangers.

Music is magic. Magic is might.

And yet music remains to be the most underestimated power. How sad.

Now because Sonu Nigam (What's with this Niigaam-numerology anyway?) was performing-obviously Uttara had to mail Sonuji to say how miserable she felt that she was not in a'bad and obviously he had to reply to his biggest fan alive. And obviously she decided to listen to his voice on phone because she was obviously more excited than the entire crowd put together. So obviously she called.And obviously stayed on phone till we were there. And obviously I had to use 'obviously' an obscene number of times to make it obvious that-hey, it's Uttara we're talking about. It's passion at it's best with no destructive obsession-obviously!

The final semester has begun in full swing. And this one is so different from the ones we had till now. Because it's not the regular college sem. It's a project centered sem. I'm doing my project faaar away from college-that makes me happy. And it happens to be verrry close to home-that makes me happier. But what makes me happiest is the fact that I'm doing it in a place that will ensure tremendous exposure in terms of knowledge and learning. For those who're interested in instruments and electronics Space Applications Centre , Dept of space, ISRO is the finest place in the country to be in. I had always heard that as a kid, when mummy-papa log used to talk. But some things can be understood well only by experiencing. Plus walking by the lush sloping gardens makes me so nostalgic. I remember the days when we'd play and roll on these grass slopes on Kaumi Ekta Diwas (Communal Integration Day) while waiting for the results of the Drawing Competition :).Vikram Sarabhai hall was where the presentation ceremony and quiz session took place. That too, comes in the way of the department I do my project in.

And the fact that I have my friends around is like an icing on the cake! Since all of our respective projects are at incipient stages, we can afford to wander about a little as of now. Breathe some fresh air, amble to each others' departments, stare at the lovely peacocks, eat in the cafeteria, share our experiences. Of course, we get just one hour to do all of this-but that's OK, for we make the most of whatever we get! But this carefree life isn't going to last for long. A few days into feb and we'll see a sea change..(*gets tensed*)

Republic day went fine. Saw President Pratibha Devisingh Patil hoist the national flag at 10:18 A.M on Doordarshan. It's extremely shameful that most of the Indians don't know the exact time at which it should be hoisted and the significance of this time. After the school got over, I never sang the National Anthem everyday. Just two days per year. Despite this 'Jan gan man..' never fails to instill a feeling of immense pride in me. I don't understand why people refrain from watching this ceremony. Some think it's boring. Well, of course watching the brave soldiers being felicitated and decorated with Ashok Chakra is boring! Why don't these people combat the terrorists/naxalites on their own then? That would be pretty exciting.Huh! Shameless ingrates.

We don't do anything for our country as such. The least a person can do is heartily applaud the people who do. Went down to the Vikki garden next,where Republic Day is a big event-rightly and rightfully so.

Apart from this, the only new news is- I got a haircut :)

Mother wasn't too pleased. God knows why! It's not even that noticeable. I and mamma have always been at loggerheads regarding my hairstyle since my childhood days. As a girl, I always wanted to have long hair like her, like Kajol in the second half of Kuch kuch hota hain, like Hema ma'am, like Divya Rangarajan, like Divya Nair, like the ladies who advertised for hair oils (*dabur aamlaa kesh tel, resham sa ehsaas lage, chehra kitna khaas lage, dabur aamlaa kesh tel*), but inspite of my severe pangs of desire to grow it long my mother would firmly tell the barber "Rasna cut" or at the most "Baby cut". In rasna cut I would have fringes covering the front of my forehead like the little girl in the ad of rasna ('I love you rasna'), in baby cut I won't. But in either cuts my hair would not reach beyond my ears. My mother's reason for having my beautiful hair chopped off? (yes, in those days my hair was actually beautiful. Jet black and dense) Well..according to her there was not one reason but many.A) Aunties have long hair B) Little girls look good in short hair C) Divya Rangarajan, Divya Nair and the other girls in your class have a horrible infestation of lices, and if you get it from them, it is easier to use an anti-lice shampoo on short hair. D) Look at the brighter prospect, you don't have to tie your hair like other girls in school. You can always keep it untied.

Reason D) was the only reason I used to agree to the brutal hair-shortening session. All others had to tie theirs into ponytails and plaits..haha..and I would look different and stylish in my untied, embellished-with- cute-clips hair. Plus they can't punish me. I'll just say- "Ma'am, it's too short to be tied up" :D

But it's a total opinion reversal now. The thing is when I came to college I started growing my hair against my mother's wish...and she started liking it! So much so, that she frowns even before I speak 'Haircut'. Now her reasons are A) You're a big girl now. B) Big girls should have long hair

C) There's no Divya Rangarajan or Divya Nair in your class now, who carry generations of lices on their heads. D) Hair of appreciable length looks good with almost everything.

Option D) always appeals. It's my secret manipulative plan cum mission to tell her the best way of instant hair lengthening-hair straightening ;) Oh, she'll agree sooner or later.

Only if one could type at the same speed one thought.

idiot alright

Phew! what a day!
First I don't study anything for my vivas, then I get up late.I'm already running 20 mins late than the scheduled time and yet spend ten precious minutes in finding the damn dupatta (I hate this entire concept of wearing 'indian' formals for the vivas). I hurriedly reach my friend's place and because she has forgotten the helmet we make a detour to get it. And here comes the gaffe extraordinaire, after covering more than three-fourths of the distance I casually mention something about the file and remember- "Holy mother of Lord, I FORGOT THE CERTIFICATE!!" :o :o
My friend says it is too risky to go back now." You're the first roll number" :o But somehow I decide to go against my friend's pragmatic suggestion of first sitting for the vivas, explaining it to the prof and then getting it. So, I take an auto and ask the guy to rush like mad(which btw he doesn't :x), make a dozen phone calls to mum, ask her to rummage through my stuff, get home, grab the pesky piece of paper and rush back. Being a rash driver helps sometimes. Although I should be grateful to the all but one green signals I got in the way .It has been my observation that if you get a green signal in the first signal, the probability of getting more green signals increase. Although it is a function of a lot many parameters, so nothing can be statistically generalized. Maybe it was because I had just two turnings and maintained a near constant speed.
Anyway, I reached just in time. Literally, just in time.
I sort of like this ass-on-fire, dramatic life- BUT only in retrospect. :D

Watched 3 idiots yesterday, with my fellow 2 idiots :D.
Almost a week ago I fished a certain book out of my father's bookshelf-Surely you're joking, Mr. Feynman! It's an unputdownable book, if you ask me. How strange I didn't even notice it all these years when it laid there accumulating dust all over it. And the combined effect of both the movie and the book is a little unnerving.

I often wonder, ponder about this. Sometimes in a shallow way and sometimes deeply.Deeply,while yeilding to the rote system, but usually in a shallow way. But then, when I watch or read something like this, the thoughts resurface and I get restless, reckless, frustrated but mostly lost..

What is all this? This was not suppose to turn out like this. College was not suppose to be like this. The head should feel fuller after almost four years of education, not emptier.I don't remember when was the last time I asked a question, or ruminated on a problem. I no longer ask myself (let alone the profs) what is the immediate use of having to learn something.I seldom wonder why I still remember the basics of gravity learnt in school almost eight years ago but am blank about ripple counter that I learnt two years ago. I've been cramming like mad for almost a month now for the uni exams. It's insane! My way of preparation has undergone drastic changes. I hate it. It's so hard to do something that you disapprove of, but the fact that nothing else can fit the bill in this system makes it worse.This feels like a total discharge process. I was not like this before. What the hell happened? :( Something is wrong, something is terribly wrong. I wish I knew how to fix it. Maybe I do know, but I just don't know that I know.

I wish I had someone like Feynman around who'd first amuse me by showing his 'discovery' that no matter how I position my french curve the lowest point would always be parallel to the x-axis, and then amuse me more by telling that's because the derivative of any function at it's minimum value is always zero-basic calculus which we apply in complex problems and yet are unable to identify in cases like this. Or perhaps an unconventional Rancho who'd apply the elementary knowledge of soft water being a conductor of electricity to do something..ermm..well..something reeeeally fun :P
The point is I have sort of stopped exercising my brain. I'm just studying, not learning. There's a lot to learn and a lot more to well..yeah..unlearn. Unlearing is very important. Useless stuff, destructive stuff should be done away with. Now that the problem has been clearly identified, I hope the solution is somewhere around. I hope all will be well.
There's something about this 'all is well' phrase. JKR ended the series with. 'All was well', refuting the rumors that the last word was 'scar'. I like this phrase. It's more comforting than it sounds, in a rather uncanny way. I had a first hand experience of this today.

PS: In my school days some idiot must've been so pissed of being called an idiot that he/she made it an acronym for I Do Ishq Only Tumse!
PPS: How idiotic! :D

'09-lessons learned:

Often the most trying circumstances are the ones that teach you a lesson or two. There are some mistakes you've got to make. Some tears you've got to shed. Some vile people need to enter your life. Bad things need to happen. Only then will you appreciate the good ones and also the not so bad ones.
These are the major occurrences of the year which put me through a lot of agony, which I now think, was quite unnecessary. This is both the comedy and tragedy of looking at things in retrospect. You either hit upon things that you should've had done/said or things you shouldn't have had.

Year 2009. New semester began. All was well. Was extremely happy to be assigned an interesting project. The desired modifications were challenging and the expectations, encouraging. The icing on the cake was that I was to continue with my old project team- people who were more than team members- they were the people I had come to regard as my closest friends in college since previous sem. I knew everything would go smooth just like previous sem. Like all previous sems. Nothing would go wrong. Except that, it did.
Egotism is something that harms not only the perpetrator, but also the people who are subjected to it. But with friends, or people you call friends anyway, one tends to overlook and let go a lot of things.I completely understood when they say they couldn't contribute to the designing as they had to take an entrance (which btw was totally unnecessary at that point of time), So I and another teammate started doing both our and their bits, like I knew they'd have done. We looked up, rejected , discarded, archived something like a thousand plausible circuits, were asked by our professor-who for some reason refused to treat students as a humans-to make a million changes in a strictly stipulated time. But a billion calculations and trillion taunts and more than two weeks later one prototype was finalized and hence I told myself happily that a work well begun is a work half done.
But the good project, like a lot of good projects, looked good only on paper. It is frustrating when something that seems to be so simple doesn't work. But we kept working anyway. Our friends were still on a self imposed study leave.
One fine day they returned and we gladly filled them in with what all progress we'd made. And then kept trying to get the output somehow. Wow! now this finally feels like team work. And even if something was funny, and the vibes I was getting were not so good-I was too happy to sense it. And then one day I took a leave for two days for some important reason, on the third day celebrated sari day with college friends :). And when I got back in the lab on the fourth day, I wondered if I had been in coma for four years! The prof called us to his lab to reprimand us because we'd been very insincere and in his words 'dummy members'. Because apparently according to our 'outta-leave-friends-cum-team mates' we didn't do anything. I think that's what 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me' moments are like. Feels like..you know..maybe the before and after Tsunami scenario. The ugly turn of events that followed this are too sordid and too painful for me to type. And honestly I don't want a record of it anyway. But from where I see it now, I think being thrown out of the project that I initiated and nurtured was not a bad thing after all. Because I saw the true hues of people, was able to differentiate my real friends from the phoney ones, did another project that was of much more use (no, the grapes are not sour :D), and proved my mettle to the prof who later went on to praise us in front of the same people who were responsible for the entire mess. No regrets. Yes, I feel bad that things can not be same as before but I also can't have it the other way. People backstab. Life's like that. Move on.


My friends were worried that I had not had a major crush in years. The last one was five years ago (from that time). They kept suggesting guys after guys and I kept pooh-poohing them, until the time for a big entry came. Entries, actually. This would remain one of the strangest events of my life. Two guys who share more than their names, zodiacs, languages, heights, builts, intelligence. At one point of time it was actually as thrilling as a movie :D. Both of them were so similar and yet so different. They came at about the same time, stayed for about the same time and I started liking both of them at about the same time. And then there's the very obvious dilemma. I couldn't figure out which one did I like more. First one- lovely, Second one-too good to be true. More proper tags would be- the simpler one and the stud. But it's always wise not hit on someone unless you're sure. In anycase I don't casually hit upon people. Something that I need to learn before the clock starts ticking, but that's not until I'm twenty five or six. So anyway, the stud kept offering me ride back home and I kept declining it. And even though I used to cite some feminist crap as the reason for not accepting his lifts, the real reason was that I got too conscious of myself every single time (Shit! my hair isn't even properly shampooed, why the hell am i wearing yellow :x ). But on one beautiful moonlit night (talking of nature playing it's part!) I sat behind him. I knew he was blabbering something, but I couldn't hear him. For my insides were doing conga and there were a thousand violins playing in my head. BUMP...BREAK..."..and that's when my girlfriend said..blah blah"
Whaaat??!!?? OK. So, the sound of the surroundings is back.And that my friend is how a card castle falls. Never laughed so hard-at myself. Matlab what's with life! He could've mentioned it anytime. Anytime in more than a year long aquaintance. But no! He had to mention it precisely at my movie moment. And soon after this incident he started boring me with his silly girlfriend talks. But if truth be told, the more he talked about his girlfriend the more relieved I got that the person he's talking about is not me. For one, he kept on referring to her as 'my girlfriend'. Till date I don't know her name. Neither do I have any curiosity for it. Hopefully I will never cross paths with him again. And the simpler one, I found out wasn't so simple after all! But at least he's still lovely. There are times when you can neither eat your cake nor have it. But that's because the cake is fungus infested and you can't see it! Life's like that. Move on :)


But these issues are way too trivial. Difficult was the part when Chikny left vikki :( But she's quite happy and honestly it doesn't matter that much, like she said it won't and like we agree it doesn't. Ok, it matters a little bit. But only a little bit. And it won't matter much when we'd move out the coming year. Although she is quite thrilled at the prospect. Now I wonder why :P

'09 taught Acceptance.
Letting good people into your life is important but equally important is to let the bad ones out-accept it.
When I say bad, I don't necessarily mean bad person. Maybe just bad for your focus and your long term happiness. Although some are downright bad! :P

And also, cliched though it might sound, but still needs some acceptance. Change is constant. People might go to different places but that doesn't mean they drift apart. Uttara didn't drift aaprt, did she? Definitely not. :)

"Acceptance is the first step of understanding and with understanding only can there be recovery"- Albus Dumbledore :)

PS: Might've quoted incorrectly. My memory is cursed!
PPS: Only if Dumbledore wasn't gay.. :P

i don't have a title for this!

Oh what a week! Full of strain, tough decisions, tension, wake-up calls. And it is just the beginning. Nevermind. Dekh lenge :)
But with every passing day, I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain the blog. Not because, I don't have enough time (we never have enough time) but because all of a sudden I'm facing a dead end as far as the things to write about are concerned. As a matter of fact I don't have a particular subject to blog about even now. Aimeless keying..yeah..there are such days..yeah.


Tomorrow is monday. The week begins on monday. You're supposed to go to college on and from monday. Monday through friday-everyday. And even though I bunk a lot, I'm planning to go this week. Attendance shit and all :x. I mean what's the point in going when they've closed down my fav nescafe outlet :( Canteen's for the riff-raff, not me (*nose turns up high in the air*)

Today is my dad's birthday. Exactly a month after mine :) But he had to go on his silly office tour this very day,so we've postponed the celebrations by a week which means we aren't dining out tonight. Which in turn means I'll have to eat the most boring food in this whole wide world- roti, sabzi,dal and the ilk :x Nayh..I'll coax mum to make something else :)
When dad's outta town, mother and I dine out a lot. Mainly because it is my father who's excessively picky about his food, we aren't. We can life off on pizzas, baked spaghettis, chinese food or even a modest bhaji-paav. But my father finds it hard to do without a full course home-cooked meal. Hmm..anyway, as of now I'm reducing the volume of his bday cake( and in the bargain increasing my volume..aaarrghh..koi na, tomorrow I'll take the route that requires me to walk a lot :) ) Balance. It's all about striking a perfect balance.

A girl back in college is getting reeeeally nettlesome. And I don't know how to react. One is always at a loss of words when people you call friends suddenly start saying mean things! Why, why would they do that? I think I might confront her soon. Oh, I hate confrontations :x

I guess I should wrap it up as I don't have anything else to add..except maybe that the two pigeons outside this room's window are totally doing it! :P
Come to think of it, they've been doing it since I turned on the comp. Two hours!! By a pigeon's standards, quite a player boy! ;)

PS: I'm NOT a voyeur. It is..well..Mother Nature (yeah..capital M, capital N) :D :)

PPS: Hille le jhakjhor duniya..hille le jhakjhor :)

piggy tales

It is difficult. Studying something boring after dinner, with stomach full of food that is getting digested even as you're dilly-dallying about where to begin from. And by the time the hour hand of the clock sweeps a full π/3 radians, the eyelids positively begin to droop. At this time, it takes your cellphone to declare 'one new message received', to stir you from your somnolent state. It was from a friend from college about a rather alarming news. 'One swine flu case in our college'-it read. The eyes which were getting blurry a minute ago,popped out with sudden alertness.
"Good lord! who?" I asked.
"Someone from IT dept"-she replied.
And I started rewinding my memory. Did I meet any IT people today? Um..no. I don't think so. I did see a few of them a day before yesterday at the students' section while inquiring after the marksheets, but I definitely didn't talk to them. But then maybe I came in close contact with someone who might've come in contact with them. Or maybe I came in contact with the infected person himself! How would I know? I know very limited people in the college by their names, or even by faces for that matter. Which is explainable, as I still don't know the names of at least a dozen of my classmates..yeah, never bothered to find out either. But the point is..what are the chances? I do travel by buses.Of course it has reduced great deal this sem. And although travelling on your own is a time saver, thirty five minutes at a stretch for a heavily accident prone person like me is a bit trying. But I'm turning into a road rockstar- two full weeks without bumping into other vehicles and speeding tickets :).
My cold has not subsided even after a month. And my mother, like a typical mother is making a big deal out of it.Yawn. But now that there's so much morose news coming from every corner-swine flu tightens grip in the city,state sees its worst hit ever, first disease to be declared pandemic in the last forty one years,death toll soars up,new testing centres being set up-the paranoia is making inroads in everybody's mind. Even mine. My 'be-prepared' father had already purchased the n-95 masks two weeks ago and he daily urges both me and mamma to wear it. No, we still don't. He doesn't, either.But now..now I might. Ew!
It's funny, you know! The absolutely contradictory behaviour that people exhibit. Don't compromise with the roadside dalwadas, travel in brts buses only because they're for free, and please please don't forget to avail from the 'mega' sale that is going on in a mall that is a good twenty kilometres from your home- yes yes the same which records the footfalls of half the city- to buy one and get two free ,or perhaps shop for five hundred or more and get a kilo of sagar ghee free. And yet these are the same people, who'll run like road runners,covering up their noses and mouths with any cloth at hands' reach-hankie,dupatta,free end of a saree,collar of the shirt-at the slightest sound from the inferno- Aaaatchhooo!

It's a pity that swine flu is a communicable disease, and that it can affect humans. Think how easy it would've been otherwise, to prove/determine the real species of many a mammals who pretend to be humans. At least a few people I'm unfortunate enough to know, would've definitely been affected by swine flu.
But every cloud has a silver lining and I'm hoping for the best. Maybe after this they'll close the college for a week. OR maybe they'll curtail the college hours. OR maybe they'll stop sending letters to the parents of the students with an attendance shortage, which by the way I didn't receive. :) OR maybe they would distribute Bournvilles. Yes, I know the last one doesn't fit in, but what the hell! one can never get enough of chocolates! :D

No matter whatever dies out...Hope must live on :)

beginning of the close & Hema and Kaushik.

All the while I was getting drenched in the heavy downpour, my umbrella handed out to friends who didn't want to get soaked up,I was half thinking about it-thinking how would I put all this up in the blog.These thoughts however were ephemeral. Why? Because I was too busy jumping around splashing water all over my friends,that's why. :D

This is the first time I'm putting a blog title that in fact is a combination of two titles which were meant to be used for two different posts.The reason I'm acting like the public transport system of india-accommodating more than there's place for- is because I'm hell tired today, there are angry red rashes on my palms as a result of being subjected to incessant rains for about two extremely wet hours. And also because I desperately want to write about both of these and know that if I defer either one, it would remain in the drafts indefinitely just like those two unfinished posts that have been housed in there for more than a month. *yes,this post is going to be a painfully long one-long,even by my standards!*

I begin with the first one- beginning of the close.

Now, I really didn't want to grumble about college on the very first day of the last year. But they don't even seem put an effort to placate me,do they? By the time I was in my fourth semester, our department had got a brand new block.We were happy to move out of our old block. The new block was so beautiful that for one full semster we had cut ourselves out from the rest of the college. No frolicking around in the canteen block, no wandering about the rest of the blocks.We just stayed where we were,the place that made us happy! When I was in my fifth semester, one fine day it was declared that the iit-g'nagar would start functioning from our college till their campus gets fully constucted. We were excited.They arrived.We gave them a very warm welcome. All this plummeted when we were forced to give them our beautiful,airy classrooms with a superb view of the surrounds, compromising with our old block.But that was OK,we thought-the proverbial atithi devo bhava being fixated in our minds. But what happened today has led to pure resentment. They have now added up a fresh batch of students for a new academic year. And because it is a-more mouths than you can feed-situation, they've now taken up our old block as well. And we have been shunned to the block that we used when we were freshers. It sucks! Being in that block sucks! I hated first year. I hate every memory attached to it. And being there is evoking that gloomy past. It doesn't affect others much. I'm told they loved the first year. But I feel asphyxiated there. And the fact that ec dept is closer by doesn't raise my spirits either.

Anyway,sitting in that classroom had its instant effects. Like dumb driven cattle-a la first years-we attended each and every lecture, even the bogus ones.Labs of course are the reason we go to college.It's tough.We've been out of practice for two full sems. Bunk the fruitless lectures,go to labs,spend the worthwhile time in doing your sem projects.It was much more filling and self-satisfying. But today, I sat down in the very first lecture trying to drink the words of a veteran who seemed to regard every moment sans questioning students as a moment wasted. And ironically enough discourages wrong answerings! He says wrong answers get him more irked than no answers at all-the only teacher in my hitherto student life to say so. So, with every passing second I felt more and more stupid. Other lectures and lab followed. A few new names in the time-table had me sighing-"yeah right! that's what we need. Some more fresh out of college when-will-they-grow-up lecturers..huh!"Still I didn't open my mouth to complain until I noticed my time-table, carefully for the first time. Only B2 batch- two saturdays a month :x .What in the name of the holy mother of lord am I supposed to have done?? And then the rains. I know I've been cribbing for a month but then nothing in excess is well received-even by people who asked for them. Getting playful for a while in the showers is one thing and- being stranded twenty kilometres away from your home in mud-spattered,waterlogged roads in the unending rains accompanied with the thuderstorms, no mode of transportation in your visual range, with vision that gets increasingly hazy and shivers that the chill rain water brings as an additional obnoxious gift-is quite the other. I don't know how I managed to reach,but I did.Oh, I hope this darned hair gets dried up soon. Oh,dear god four days till the weekend...sigh.



Hema and Kaushik-

When I was reading Unaccustomed Earth, I saw that the last story had an interestingly simple name-Hema and Kaushik. It fascinated me. But I always read books in a serial fashion-unless I'm cramming for uni exams. Within two days I was done with all except this one. And I didn't want to read this anymore. I'd read enough of Jhumpa Lahiri to guess that like all her stories,this too will have a tragic end. Not exactly tragic-but let's just say that she's a very very practical author and consequently all her characters are also very real and have very practical lives. Whatever be the case, I didn't want this one to have a 'practical' ending. I'm not exactly a sucker for romantic novels. To be honest, mushy talks make me very uncomfortable. I've never read a Mills and Boons or a Love Story, I don't intend to read them either. But due to all those fairy tales I read as a child, all those movies I watched as a teenager, one phrase has gotten cemented in my mindset-the one that I've come to regard as axiomatic- 'and they lived happily ever after.' This should not be violated, says my inner self. This condition must be fulfilled...by life. Which is why I didn't have enough courage to disagree with myself. I thought it would shatter my inner belief.

How wrong I was.

For some stories need not have a happy ending. They need not have an ending at all. That real life is not quixotic, because it comprises of real people, not the ones who're spun out of the imagination of their creators and who live within the dreamy chapters of frayed old books. Perfect endings, I think are just a state of mind. We never exactly let our desires end,do we? What matters in the end is neither the beginning, nor the ending- only that lies within.

These two names in the book also bring out some of my personal memories out of the book.Very different memories-very different indeed. And yet they are of no consequence to me.



Hema, oops! Hema ma'am was our teacher at school. And she probably is one of the most beautiful woman I know. Tall, svelte with most carefully carved features and a skin that shone. Back then I hoped to grow up pretty like her. I wanted to wear my hair long and straight just like her. I wanted to wear all those lithe and lovely sarees that she wore with matching bindis. She was my first class teacher at school and also the first teacher who told me that my handwriting was very small-like little messed up ants crawling.Of course I improved-and all thanks to her my legible, flowing writing still stays even after the deterioration by the generation of ball pens. She chose me as a house captain for her house, and we won in almost every competition. But as I grew out of primary and secondary my association with her decreased great deal. After a while it was only Goodmorning/afternoon ma'am if I ever bumped into her in the corridors. And no contact after I left school. But I've been told that she no longer nurtures her long tresses which she has cut short like a crop. Nevermind her,I'm growing it. I still want it long and straight.



I met Kaushik on orkut almost three years ago. It was one of those initial phases when people used to accept friend requests from anyone just to increase their friend count. I didn't. I was rude in my 'about me' section. I had written something about how jaded I was with all those frandship requests and that I wouldn't humor any,if sent. He didn't send me any.Eventually of course I did,but after a lot many pleasant conversations. As I said those were the early days when people didn't wish to hide their profile visits. I assume he found me having visited his profile. I must say,I was intrigued-to the point of intimidation. I logged in one day to find his scrap. I replied back,and the conversation started streaming. It didn't take me long to notice that I was talking to a very chivalrous man. Someone who was very generous with his compliments, evidently very knowledgeable, exceptionally insightful and wrote an English of the most refined degree. I was not even eighteen then, already a decade younger than him. What I began to think of him..it's very obvious,isn't it? Oh,how conscious I would get! I would take no less than five minutes to reply to his scraps. I weighed my words, rephrased sentences many times, checked for spelling errors/grammatical errors if any. I just didn't want to be imperfect.It was all meaningless though, because he was someone who would never make fun of anybody's mistakes,nor of their ignorance. He gave me a word called floccinaucinihilipilification(I hope I've got the spelling right) and asked me to find out it's meaning. I did, and asked him in return to find the meaning of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-and he did. I think the last time we scrapped was on the day of Saraswati puja, two and half years ago. That was also the first time he typed in Bengali instead of English. Something about theism, atheism. he didn't come online a long time after that. Then about a week before my first university exams, one of his friends scrapped to inform about his demise. It was then I came to know that he was battling blood cancer since long and was in his last stage. I was in as much loss of words then as I am now. Never once could I sense a tinge of sorrow-never. I don't visit his profile. I can't. All those R.I.P scraps flooding his scrapbook even now..scare me. I don't know what else to write...how I wished I'd got to know him more.
Hmm..I think my longest post till now.

No reasons

I don't know what's it with me these days. Or is it the weather? I don't have any other reason.I sleep around three in the morning, get up latest by seven-thirty; Often as a result of the racket caused by the twittering of the little greyish birds I don't name of. And yet I find myself suprisingly fresh. I don't appear groggy, my eyes don't burn when I sprinkle water on my face,something that is characteristic of the exam season. Even before I open my eyes I become aware of the air current propelled by the rotary motion of the fan blades blended with the morning breeze.It is greatly distinguishable,even when both blow simultaneously.I remain perched on the bed for a while, vaguely staring nothing in particular, furrowing my brow as I try to recollect fractions of my dream. A few flashes of faces here and there and I stand up knowing that it's the best my mind can recollect. I go to the balcony first,to get an eyeful of the lush green trees,the morning fresh gardens, a sky of periwinkle blue that is crowned with the golden sun, the beautifully structured roads. I love the feel of the cool wind caressing my face,and especially my hair,matted after a night's sleep. Turning right,I find my father already settled up on a chair,reading a main paper, a second main paper and the finance supplement within hands' reach. I pick up the unattended tabloids that lie on the floor,the ones that always play a second fiddle to the main papers,to which my father never spares a glance.

I go to the drawing room next,before going for a wash,before paying heed to the teeth that need some paste,where my mother listens to a tarot card reader with rapt attention. "Oh,you're awake so soon?" She says,never irritated with the diversion that comes in the form of her daughter."I saw the tubelight switched on in your room/comp room late at night when I got up to drink water( she always gets up in the middle of the night to drink water,and I can't get myself to understand how come can she not sleep at a stretch!). When did you sleep"? I yawn and mumble some gibberish to her daily question,before hugging her. I don't think she expects a proper reply either. I step in the direction of the wash-basin, drawing back my steps only at times when I hear stuff like 'Leo raashee,aapko milta hain,the card of wheel of fortune'...

I have to begin,like I said with the newspaper supplements. I read The Ahmedabad mirror first,then the Ahmedabad times,culminating the supplement reading with DNA after hrs. Then I take on the main paper which by that time my father is finished with.Always beginning with the TOI. The headlines I think would cease to be called headlines unless they don't report something miserable,something catastrophic or something that pertains to violence.Skipping and Skimming news through all the pages,I reach my favorite page-The editorial page. My mood lifts when I see articles of my favorite columnists-Jug Suraiya, Bachi Karkaria. I like a few others too- Janardhan Roye,Madhumita Gupta,err..some Mr Krishnan etc. There's a column called The Speaking Tree. I find it good,but sometimes the stuff is so densely spiritual that I tend to lose interest halfway through the article. I scan the sports pages only when there's something significant going on. For less than special occasions,I conveniently ignore that part of the newspaper. I read DNA after that,only if I feel like.

The problem begins at around nine when I'm finished with the papers. I think of studying for the vivas,but the overconfident idiot in me complacently reminds me of the fact that I've already sat in four vivas with mimimal preparation,a major part of it done half an hour before the arrival of the external examiner,sitting with friends in the lobby and yet did satisfactorily well. No,it isn't worth putting my time into it. Definitely not. But then,what else? Oh,I could always start preparing for the exams that I'd be taking soon. For some reason,however I've lost that enthu..it's bad.It musn't happen,but I just don't seem to get the inspiration to sit down with it. I'm more than aware now than any other time that shortly I'd be standing at the same crossroads,the same transitional phase where I stood three years ago. Making choices are tough,especially when your future depends on it. How I envy those who are crystal clear about their destination from day one. I know, as the months draw steadily near,the adrenaline gush is going to get stronger. And people around you don't let you forget it even for a while. Suddenly,everything is moving with double the pace. Like yesterday when we sat with our books wide open in college(not studying), ranting about the delay,sharing tips to confund the examiner (:D),rolling our eyes at a guy who wore a shocking pink shirt,making plans about the movies that we'd watch together, darting meaningful glances at friends about the seeming gayism of a certain classmate (:P), still behaving every bit like a fresher, came barging in the h.o.d with the news that we have to select out electives for the seventh sem-right then! A second ago we were a bunch of kids talking nineteen to a dozen about totally irrelevant stuff,and a second later fully grown ups weighing the pros and cons of nanotech against biomed with professional interest. Life gets so stupendously speedy at times. After tomorrow,we'd officially be in the final year..jeez,I guess it'll take some time to sink in.

I didn't realize that I've typing for so long. I always type at a stretch,but today I've been very sluggish,wandering after every four lines or so. I think I should stop blogging this often,lest this too should become a task,not pleasure.

Chinky is officially moving out today. I thought I'd be in a very unstable state of mind today. But guess what,I'm not! No sorrowness,no melancholy background music in my head.I don't feel a thing. And I have no reason for it. Maybe,it's just the idea of parting and not the parting itself that is painful.Just as the way some people love the idea of being in love and not love itself. Plausible.Maybe I too belong to the same ilk,I don't know.

Anyway,I'm tired of typing and my tummy demands food. So long!

PS: This post script is only for my friend Priyal,who was rather grouchy after reading my last post-Apology! Abjection! I don't think you're a loser.You are the last person on the planet to be one. And even then you won't be! Please don't stop reading my blog. :)

today's chronicle

Will the last day of college ever come??? I am so totally worn out.And also a little annoyed with my friends. I tend to message my classmates about every teeny-weeny thing/information I get,even when I know that they already know! But somehow the whole lot of them not only forgot to inform me that we're supposed to get the certificates stamped today itself,but also had the most obvious excuse up their sleeves-"We thought you already knew".Arre!! For future reference I am NOT calirvoyant!Now I'll have to go again on tuesday just to get two carbon imprints of hod's signature.And because I informed the remaining ones(who like me were uninformed) as soon as I got to know,they brought it from home immediately(who comes to college on time after all!) which means I'll be all alone..ohh it so totally sucks :x

Our juniors have formed a society called junoon. It's some kind of social service group.They were carrying out a clothes-donation-campaign today.I was happy to contribute :) I had very meticulously set up a reminder on my cell,so that I don't forget to take the clothes with me.Anyway, they got a very generous response.All the boxes were so full of clothes that they had to keep plenty of bags on floor.
I have noticed that I now use the reminder feature of my cell very often.And the funny thing is,every time I set up a reminder I end up remembering it without it's aid :D. Like yesterday,I had set up three reminders at 9 a.m for kanika's b'day in three different cells,but I called her around 12 a.m anyway :D
And inspite of all my peevishness at not being taken to ccd by my friends yesterday,and my empty claims of going there with or without company-I didn't go there today as well.Bhoomi and I were hungering after some yummy drinks with fancy and yet abstruse italian and french names. But Priyal is recuperating from her illness,and it would have been really tactless on our parts to not take the person who is almost a regular customer in most of the highfalutin food-joints across the length and breadth of the city :D :D (as I've said,birds of a feather :D)

Well,I don't have much to do as of now.Maybe,will read the book that chinky has lent me.White tiger-Arvind Adiga.And even though it has won the bookers prize this year,it appears boring.Chinky has alreay slammed it with her harsh criticism-and yet she's forcibly making me read it!! bolo,kya bolneka ab :D

ps: I really wish to meet my ex-classmate divya menon-nee nair :) I hope kuchh plan bane.
pps: I have noticed I use a lot of post scripts :P

daily grumbles

Well it turned out that the the last submission wasn't the last one after all. Due to the lax course of action of some people,we'll have to go again tomorrow,and maybe some other day as well to get back the files..uff..it feels like a punishment to travel in such a sweltering weather :(

In the meanwhile,I am undergoing an emotional upheaval. I mean,how oblivious can a person be? It is so obvious! how much more of a fool am I suppose to make of myself?
world full of retards..huh! :x

And I am definitely gonna go to ccd tomorrow-with or without company! I still can't believe what happened today.How my rather gluttonous friends bullied me into stop going there and literally dragged me to kabir instead,absolutely quelling my tantrums ("I am not hungry,I am thirsty!).

gosh! I am becoming such a complain mistress.. :D

daily mishmash

And yet another day in college gets over!Now just a day left for the term-ending. I don't why but for some reason,I'm feeling really bad about the sem-end this time. This was never the case till now.Infact,my spirits used to rise exponentially as the end of the semester approached...But this time it's different. And my failure to figure out the reason for such a sinking,desolate feeling is driving me mad! No amount of introspection is working.This too is new to me.I think I'm going mad...


Today was okayish( yes I'm aware that's no word but chalta hain). Got two files submitted today. Nehal ma'am deferred ec's submission because..well she has the authority to do so! Gave an impromptu viva-very unfair!! considering the fact we'll be having external vivas from this semester,and we have been forewarned that those people are ruthless!

Satyendra sir (more commonly known as Desai sir) asked me where were pressure relief or safety valves used.Of course,he said my casual answers (geysers,boilers) were 'not what he was looking for', because then he couldn't have said- "You being a lady,should know where it is used". Yeah,that was too much of a giveaway-"Pressure cookers",I answered-rather coldly. I mean..why? why are all girls thought to be cooks by default.huh! I don't cook..I can't actually! More questions on compressors followed,which were pretty ok.


A'bad is scorching these days. I'm losing apetite.All I desire these days is plenty of fluids to quench my insatiable thirst.My body is so full of fizzy drinks of late,that very soon it won't be incorrect to say that there's too much blood in my carbondioxide system. But I'm trying to switch over to milder options.Tried out two new drinks yesterday:lmn and seven up-nimboo.Both were good.No drink suits summer more than lemonade!
Yesterday Varsha,Vrunda and Priyanka had a hard time coaxing me to try a glass of sugarcane juice(Varsha used an unfamiliar word for sugarcane-shirdi or sherdi..aisa kuchh) with zero success .But I can't help it.I have an aversion for street food/drinks! I can never have drinks from stalls with rickety,rusty machines,unclean glasses,contaminated water.I can never eat paani-puris from roadside stalls the way my friends do.All I can see is those filthy nails plummeting into an equally filthy water. My friends hate me for this-for being such a killjoy (taunts ranging from-haan haan tu toh badi memsaheb hain,tujhe kaha ye sab pasand aayega to- frooti toh peele yaar,yeh achhi company mein banta hain, are directed at me). ho-ho-hold it! I'm sorry for being hygienic! But wait,that doesn't make me any less of a paani-puri lover.I just want the water to be mineral and the guy making them to wear clean,non-toxic gloves.That's it. As for sugarcane juice,I don't like it anyway.
But I think I've become terribly unhygienic after coming to college.I tried out ice gola once (but not from a street shop :)),priyanka and varsha(again!) had once, by ruse got me into eating sabarmati jail's pakodaas at rto.I thought it was delectable (but only till I was oblivious to the most hideously dirty frying vessel ever-the kind that can give my mum sleepless nights :D!).I've now also chucked the customary bisleri/aquafina and bartered them for more economical substitutes-yes pouches :D
I sometimes miss my older self.The days when I had cleaner and healthier food habits.

Last submission tomorrow. Hope it gets over soon.

ps: Man! I talk way too much :)

technoaspire,friends etc.

One of the things i like about college events is the fact that it has the ability of burgeoning your networking if you can use it to your advantage. And even if you don't,you at least can enjoy meeting people from different colleges,and more often than not your own college people too!(that of course depends on how sociable one is).After all there are so many students in college,it is not possible to have social contacts with all!But i've seen, like minded people,who hitherto were unknown to each other bond really well over these few days.

As for me,everytime such events happen,i discover and rediscover that i am innately gregarious.Infact i think,it is our prerogative-to be sociable.There is nothing better than talking to different people,mixing with them.Yesterday,i spent almost the entire day in the company of strangers,and i loved it!Sometimes it is so much better than being with a known set of people.I met two ex-KVian girls and a guy who too have been taught by both Sanyukta sharma mam(oh! what a gem of a teacher :)) and Vinyan mam.Our teacher talks never end :D. I also met a very interesting character...haha..what a guy!i met first of his kind- self proclaimed alpha male,ultra competetive,overtly and rather unabshedly conceited of his knowledge(even though i hate to acknowledge it,but yes i do think he was very very knowledgeable),total narcissist(here also i admit, for a very valid reason).and it is so obvious that such guys are prescribed male chauvinists,which is why i was very happy to beat him-twice! :)

And even though i say,i was more than happy to undergo some really enriching brainstorming gd sessions with such adept guys,those were the easiest five hundred bucks that i made :)

All in all a good day...but..(there's always a but;i am an incessantly crabby person,am i not?)..it could have been a lot better if i could help not pining for the presence of a few people :(

chalo koi nai..happens.anyway,i and priyal had a great time after the event,during the dj night.we shook our legs a little bit but then since neither of us felt like dancing anymore we sat on the f1 racing track,bullied nishant into buying us drinks(:D) and gossiped like mad!! :) .vaise toh we gossip a lot as such but that's mostly on phone.,such one-to-one bitching sessions are rare,and that too loud enough to be conveniently audible to the entire canteen!(but then maddeningly loud music always helps :P).I admire this girl a lot.We are very much the birds of the same feather:very amiable,very sociable and least diplomatic.I absolutely acknowledge the fact that the world can not be classified into black and white alone and that there are multiple shades of grey too,but then at times things can be so much simplified by just not changing one's stance and sticking by one thing.priyal thinks so too.I was so pleasantly impressed ,when she informed me that she's going to be in the core comittee,no matter what.all this,considering the fact that desai sir(oh yes yes,i do remember i owe him a post :D) is so stingent when it comes to anything extra-curricular.the man hates it when people as much as think of lingering anywhere else except for the labs.this was the main reason why most of us refrained from entering the manegerial committee,but priye did.and not only she became the event manager(case study-which btw was very successful),but she also was the first one to submit her project! i applaud her :)

anyway,so after we had filled each other with all the updates,we drove off.priyal took a long route(no matter what she says,i know it's not a short cut!), dropped me off at shivranjani.and then i took an auto to home.that's it! end of the day.we'll be having our submissions from monday.just a week to go,for this sem to end!

ps: i forgot to mention in the last post that i finally did complete my sketchbook and also got it signed from daddu-who for once didn't pinpoint any mistakes. :)